2009-06-26: "Bunnies And Bikinis"

Original Airdate: Friday, June 26th, 2009

Starring: "Lily", "Miranda"

Lily.png Miranda.png

Notes: Miranda and the charming … houseguest of the neighbours happen to meet.


Picture Perfect Suburbia… at least on the outside. The realm of Desperate Housewives of California. A dozen or so upper middle class homes line this lovely cul-de-sac lane, located in a comfortable suburban neighborhood on the outskirts of Sherman Oaks. More than half of the houses boast a stereotypical white picket fence, as if a certain percentage was enforced by neighborhood ordinance. Nice landscaping certainly is, as all the lawns are neatly manicured. A little park with a well-kept playground is laid out near the end of the lane.

Last night was… interesting for curious (or nosy) suburbanites on Mysteria Lane- particularly those on either side of Chez 422. It would seem that the Very Nice Family that lives there sent their children off to stay with relatives for the week, and were entertaining company! In the hot tub. With much giggling and sharing of wine and probably just a little too much physical contact for the woman to be simply called a "friend." While nothing particularly raunchy happened to go on in view of anyone else, it was certainly one of the juicier pieces of gossip to be whispered over hedges and picket fences this week. They're moving next month- what do they care if their dirty laundry gets a little aired out?

Lily has been engaged for the entire weekend. She will have a very hefty paycheque waiting for her come Sunday night. The couple happen to be favourite clients of hers; they pay well, they're fun, and they let her have full run of their lovely house when they're gone for a few hours at a time. Presently, she's stretched out on a cushy outdoor chaise lounge by the pool, drying off after a quick swim. Suburbia. The most comfortable of the nine circles of hell.

If there's one thing Miranda appreciates about the neighbourhood gossip whores, it's that they don't bother to include her in their phone tree of scandalous chitchat (not that anything really scandalous ever happens— or does it?). She's usually the subject of the gossip, not an active participant, and she could really care less what her neighbours are doing unless it has some bearing on her life. It usually doesn't.

Presently, Miranda is wandering from one end of her own house to the other, flipping over cushions and shoving about furniture while a six year old frantically follows her around. "HANG ON! Don't have a fit, you probably just left it at the neighbours'. Okay, okay. Go molest your brother for awhile, I'll be right back."

Cue Miranda outside behind her house, climbing on top of a picnic table to see if anyone's home next door. Her head appears over the tall wooden fence that separates 420 from 422— and she promptly stares. Who the hell is that?! Maybe the random chick by the neighbours' pool won't see her if— "Shit!" There's a clatter as Miranda slips in her flip-flops and slings an arm over the fence.

"Shit, are you okay?" says the stranger in the neighbour's yard, quickly getting up off the chaise to meet the woman on the other side of the fence. "What is it you're looking for? I might have seen it- a few things got put away pretty quickly last night," she shares, lifting up her oh-so-chick and probably very expensive sunglasses up onto the top of her head. "And, um, if the kids play here enough to be leaving stuff in the yard, I guess it's okay for you to come on over to look for it," well, if she hasn't impaled herself on a fencepost, anyway.

Impaling self on fencepost: nearly check. Miranda flounders to get her bearings, avoiding serious injury after all. "I'm not a peeping tom," she manages to get out while hugging the fence for dear life, smiling awkwardly. ""If— women can be peeping toms, I don't know, maybe there should be a new phrase. Peeping Kate or something, but— oh, I guess you heard me." She stands up straight on the picnic table and brushes the front of her green dress off. "My kid's … rabbit. Stuffed. Bunny." She squints at the woman over the top of the fence. "Are you the MacDowells' new nanny, or…"

"Just a guest for the weekend," she says brightly. "I think I might have seen a bunny, hold on," she says helpfully, holding up her hand in a 'one second' gesture before disappearing inside through the sliding glass door for a few moments. A distant "aha!" is heard from somewhere within the house, and she soon comes back into the backyard, stuffed toy in hand. "I knew I'd spotted it," she declares, closing the door behind her. A thought seems to occur to her after a moment. "This… isn't one of those toys with the hidden cameras, is it?" Because that might present a PROBLEM.

Miranda leans over the fence on her forearms, standing on her tiptoes as she cranes to watch the mystery guest hunt for wabbits inside the house. "…like a babysitter cam?" she questions with dry incredulousness. "Yeah, I actually planted that bunny in the MacDowells' house on purpose to catch them in their sordid sexual acts," she deadpans, eyes widening as if to say 'duh' as she outstretches a hand toward Lily and the toy.

It actually takes Lily half a second to realize she's being sarcastic, so there's just a tiny bit of hesitation before she hands the bunny over the fence. "Well, you never know. People are paranoid these days," she remarks with a shrug. "I used to know a guy whose wife kept a lock on the fridge to keep their nine year old from snacking between meals," she says with a shake of her head. And then there are those pesky private detectives.

"…Riiight," Miranda says flatly, giving the woman a slightly paranoid look herself before reclaiming the bunny, missing no longer. "That actually doesn't sound like a bad idea for my sixteen year old." She glances about the neighbours' yard, brown-eyed gaze slanting back to Lily after a few seconds' idle pondering. "…they're not… home… are they?"

Lily shakes her head. "Just ran out to run a few errands. Did you want to leave a message?" Sexual favours AND message-taking: she is a full service call girl! "They shouldn't be too much longer- said they'd be back by five," she adds, helpfully, with a friendly smile. See? Totally normal. Nothing borderline illegal going on here at all. Nope. Just a friend of the family visiting for the weekend… and laying about in a bikini in the back yard.

Well, Miranda's self-ingratiated "friend of the family" lays about in a pink pony chair in her pool, so who is she to judge? "…Nnnooo… That's okay," she says a touch unsurely with a flash of a smile, gesturing once with the stuffed rabbit, whose silky ears flop about. "Thanks, for the rabbit rescue. You saved the day."

"Glad to be of help. Let me know if there's anything else that got left behind, I'm sure I can find it for you," she offers in a tone as pleasant as ever. Surely, no one this friendly could possibly be around for any sort of unwholesome activity! Just a very friendly houseguest. Or possibly a deceptively charming serial killer whose painted the walls with the McDowell's insides. Naaah. They'll be back. Really.

"Great." Miranda is not nearly as polite as the neighbours' charming guest. The words are there, but the sentiment falls a little flat, as though she's perpetually distracted — which she is, by the muffled shrieking of kids from somewhere inside her house. "You're very— helpful. Okay." She gives a thumbs up around the bunny and starts to climb down off the picnic table. "Have fun with the sunbathing, I'm sorry if a creepy guy leers over the fence at you, he's not related to me, I just house him for some reason I haven't yet figured out."

"I'll keep that in mind," she says with a laugh, heading back to her chaise lounge and the shiny new issue of Gloss magazine she has to thumb through until her clients get back home. And back to lounging- if only more of her jobs were like this. Much easier way to make money.


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