Jeremy Piven as… Mark Israel Long


Cinematic Twist Hollywood Super Agent
Sex Male
Date of Birth The Day The Earth Stood Still And Said "HOLY FUCK!"
Age 37
Zodiac Sign Shark
Aliases Marky Mark, Asshole, Mr. I Don't Give A Fuck
Place of Birth Los Angeles, California, USA
Occupation Star Agent at Midas (Entertainment Representation Firm)
Relatives Tobias Long (father), Vivian Long (mother)
Significant Other Miranda (ex-wife)
Pros Mo' Money, Who You Know, Liar Liar
Cons Snark, Addiction (Work), Bad Rap (Entertainment Industry)
First On-Screen Appearance Place Your Bets


In the beginning there was Tobias and Vivian Long. The two lovebirds later had their first (and best) born son. He was named Mark Israel, for no truly religious reason whatsoever. Not that there was a religion to live up to, but it was always easier to use biblical naming conventions to get out of compromising. Vivian could be pretty persuasive in those days. But the most important thing came in the form of combining their natural talents to provide a stable and nurturing environment for Mark to grow up in.

They failed.

Mark grew up with two things in mind. The first was that he wasn't going to be his father or affiliated with the man's business in any form or fashion. Technology wasn't his thing and it never would be. Beyond being a consumer of the latest and most expensive things. But that would come later in his life. The second thing on his mind was that he wanted to be a big time player… in whatever career he chose. From childhood he was a weasely child, twisting and playing with words to confuse his peers and teachers. He was very sarcastic and witty, at the same time he possessed a level of intelligence that kept him ahead of "the game", as it were. He was smart. Too smart for his own good.

He garnered simple popularity during high school and that's where he found a niche for his chosen career. There was a lot of talent at Beverly Hills High School and Mark took it upon himself to help guide and talk these talented people into letting him represent them in a more professional manner. He even managed to get a couple of bands recurring gigs at some of the clubs around the area. He graduated in the top percentile and moved right out on his own, thanks to spending his entire high school career saving up for his journey into the Real World. He had always wanted to make it on his own steam and didn't allow his parents to help him with even a dime.

College came next for Mark, where he attended UCLA. To put it simply, he obliterated the competition in his class and graduated with all sorts of honors. No loans to pay for thanks to the use of scholarships and other benefactors that had high hopes for the unsung hero. After busting down some puny obstacles and getting his license to represent, he was taken in by a small firm and shown the ropes in the actual entertainment industry. He wasn't some personalized wannabe, anymore. He was there the better part of two years before he, well, got bored. Small time C-Listers and other mediocre clients were not his thing. He was living in Los Angeles. He needed something more than that. He needed something bigger.

Enter Mackenzie Culkin. A child star that was on the verge of striking it into the big time… if only someone could get him that first big role. Mark fought tooth and nail with his firm to get them to let him handle the Culkin kid and when they finally relented (possibly due to blackmail photography from Mark), Mark jumped at the chance. He hunted down classic "fun" director Johnny Lucas and cornered him in an elevator until he promised to meet with Mackenzie about his new film: "Nobody's Home." A few meetings and a screen test later, Johnny had signed Culkin to a four film contract for the Nobody's Home franchise. Booyah, Mark had finally hit the big time. It was all downhill to upscale from there.

Even though he was focused on work for so many years, he still found the time to have a personal life. One that involved sex on a regular basis with the same woman, Miranda Knox. Not exactly the "in" thing to do in Los Angeles, but they were in love. The results of these random acts of sexual deviance resulted in the birth of two daughters: Alison and Michelle and a son: Mark (Junior). While Mark worked his ass off to provide for his growing family, Miranda did what any good long term girlfriend and baby mama would do: she kept house and waited (im)patiently to be proposed to. Which happened the day after Mark got offered a job at one of the best representation firms in Los Angeles: Midas. They were married a month later and managed to be a stable enough couple.

After the marriage and settling into one of the top agent spots at Midas, life started to blossom for Mark and his family. The clients were rolling in and the firm quickly started to make more money, which led Mark to collecting even more money. Even after taking on a couple of (busty) assistants, Mark still felt the need to be the end-all, be-all of Midas. Thus his need to be the one to finalize all deals, ledgers and what-have-you. Nothing leaves his office without his signature. Once a workaholic, always a workaholic. Except, of course, when he was working on one of his assistants.

Nothing stays perfect forever, obviously. That "working on his assistant" issue became something a bit more permanent, when an accidental voice dialing incident let more than the cat out of the bag. Mark has, since then, swore off Bluetooth devices in the realm of headsets. He's a hands on kind of man, from now on. The divorce, itself, was ugly. Mark pulled out all the stops, including a pre-nuptial agreement signed by Miranda in a drunken stupor and joint custody was granted, though the Judge was more giving to Miranda. Likely because she's got tits. Kind of.

It's been six months since they've divorced and Mark has already settled himself back into the bachelor life. Acquiring the rights to his massive house at the edge of the city, Mark is kicking back and letting the money roll in, while he awaits the arrival of the Next Big Thing.


Mark isn't exactly the best guy in the world, in any way. Though, he comes part and parcel with a few distinguishing traits that make him the man that he is. Something of a guy that people love to almost hate. He's a very focused person, to the point that he will blatantly and rudely deny thinking about anything else than what he wants to be thinking about at any given time. This makes him a workaholic to the highest definition and then some. This also leans him towards being an obsessor when it comes to things like being right or proving his point. He was never a big guy, so he always felt the need to make sure that his point was made or that he was heard. Thus the reason why he's highly vocal. That could be putting it mildly, really, since he hardly ever shuts up. Saying he's a smooth talker is incorrect. He's more like a guy that can twist words and talks so much that it's really hard to mount a defense against him and thus you end up just agreeing to get him to shut up.

Mark tends to be overly aggressive when it comes to his life, in general. He has to have things going his way or leaning towards going his way if he's going to continue to be successful and that's why he never doesn't stop talking. He's always trying to do or say whatever he can to make things flow in his direction. He worked his ass off for what he has and continues to do so. That makes him more grounded in reality that others like him. Contrary to his shark-like nature and aggressive tendencies, Mark lives for the underdog. When the chips are down, Mark can be counted on to do the right thing.

Mark has issues with his anger, but they stem from not being able to control his temper at times. He doesn't become violent or anything, as he's not much for senseless violence (unless it's for a good cause or in an awesome action flick) he just becomes a real jackass. His temper flares up and so does his attitude, which tends to present the world with his biting sarcasm that nobody's come to love, just yet. Well, maybe Miranda, but she doesn't honestly count. Even when he's not angry, Mark can be a real prick sometimes. But he has to be, in order to survive in the business that he's chosen to redefine. It's all good-natured ribbing, to him. If he, for whatever reason, honestly doesn't like someone, he'd literally just disavow any knowledge of their existence.

On-Screen Appearances

Coming Soon.


  • For Mark's Relationships Go Here!


  • "The fact of the matter is that the longer you sit here, with your lips poked out in a pout that makes you look like you're auditioning for a collagen commercial, the longer you're going to waste both your time and my time. And I don't have time to waste time. So here's what you're going to do. You're going to go upstairs, take off those clothes, burn them, and put on something decent or I will personally shred every single ounce of rebellious confidence you've garnered in the thirteen years you've been on this Earth. And then I'll tell your mother." — GQ Magazine, 2006
  • "Look, I don't give a damn if you have to waltz into his office, bend him over his desk and fuck him thirteen ways from Sunday… you get it done! I'm not going to lose this client because you're not gay enough to make it happen! What the hell do I pay you for?!" - Mark to his Assistant. The Gay One.
  • "So you're fuckin' the pool boy now? Not bad. I thought he was a little young for you, but I guess you've lowered your standards from having a dick to almost having one. Good call!" - Mark to Miranda. Nicely.
  • "Hey! Penguin! Get my drink over her pronto! If I'm not drunk, I can't fuck my wife. And if I can't fuck my wife, she fucks the pool boy. And that makes me, her husband, a very angry person. And you don't want an angry customer, do you?" Pause. "Oh and bring her some wine too." - Mark to Poor Waiter
  • "You tell that nineteen year old son of a whore that I said he better get his ass to the office. I know where he likes to move it, move it and if he doesn't move it into the office by the time I get there, I will put in a call to the ASPCA, buy seventeen hungry mongrels, tie him to a chair, naked and let them feast on his kibbles and bits!" - Mark to his other assistant about Mr. Culkin
  • "Alright. Listen up Lil' Whorphan Annie. I don't even know how you got here. I locked the back doors. But you're here. And ANNOYING THE FUCK OUT OF ME. So do yourself a favor, go find my wife, put all your little school supply crap in her cart, spread her legs and crawl up into her womb and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" - Mark. Slightly Babysitting.
  • "A reservation? A reservation? Do you know who I am? No. No you don't. You want to know why you don't? I'll tell you. It's because you're a sniveling, bucktoothed, pimple-faced, college drop out that can't afford to go back home and live under Mommy's protective bosom in hopes of getting someone to throw you a bone that you can catch IN YOUR ASS and finally give in to the homosexual urges that have been welling up inside you for the first seventeen years of your useless life. So don't you DARE try to stand there and tell me I can't do something when I make more than enough money to buy, sell, auction off and preferably have you bronzed as a pile of worthless ferret vomit and thrown onto the mantle for old time's sake. Now if you don't turn around and waddle your little penguin ass back up to the front, the only reservations I'm going to be making are with 911, so they can come and help me remove my foot from your mother's ass." - Mark to a Brainless Waiter at Dinner
  • "Hug it out, bitch." — A Mark Long Catchphrase



Heavily inspired and influenced by the character of Ari Gold on the hit HBO series Entourage. If you're not watching it, you're a loser.

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